Monday, June 20, 2016

Midwest Mobius Strip

        I got caught holding the door open for my co-workers for nearly two minutes today. It’s a problem I share with a lot of Midwesterners. We hold open the doors for people. Usually someone comes along in fairly quick order to take a shift. Sometimes, however, the system fails. Two minutes isn’t even close to my record. Once, during undergrad, I got caught holding the door open at the Student Center. It was sleeting out. I stood there, grinning like an idiot as I held the door open for a bunch of glorified children who didn’t trouble themselves to look up from their smart phones to see why the door was open for them. This lasted a good five minutes.  A secretary noticed I was standing there and rescued me from my peers. She warned me that it was important not to waste energy being nice to assholes.

            It’s a lesson that I’ve always had trouble implementing. Damn, but does that conditioning go deep. Just the thought of being brusque with someone to their face makes me break out in flop sweat. I mean, sure, I can be salty, but that’s with people I trust. That’s for laughs. 

            The problem is when I get caught holding the door open until I catch my death of cold. The problem is when people take advantage of my niceness to be complete and utter douche nozzles.

             And this last week has been just chock-a-block full of douche nozzles. Some of the douchetry seems to come from pure cluelessness, and some have been just transparent shit weasels.

                Example one: an old church biddy asked my husband (my husband!?!) last Wednesday when I’m due. (Answer: when hell freezes over. Babies are sleep vampires and germ factories) My darling only one thought it was a good idea to tell me about this event. It was not.

                Example two: Saturday, some redneck made an Islamophobic comment on one of my father’s Facebook posts. Reading the comment section is something I typically ignore because I don’t enjoy tire fires, but this was my father’s space, and douchebucket was disrespecting that space. I corrected him politely because I was raised by a Goddamn gentleman. His response was to post something from some fucking white/Christian supremacist hate website and to belittle my intelligence.

                Naturally, I took his “arguments” apart with a fair degree of civility. I didn’t want to. I wanted to point out that arguments coming from first grade educated, cousin-touching sheep shaggers were inherently invalid. The cousin-touching sheep shagger rebuttle, while classic, is categorized as “non-productive.” 

                We’re not supposed to descend to the other guy’s level because that’s not how you win arguments. Here’s the thing, though. I don’t think that there’s an argument that would get through to these guys. The possibility that they could be wrong doesn’t penetrate. This shitbird will vote for Trump. He will keep making the world a shittier place until he drops.

                What is nice getting me, then? It seems from my angle that it’s mainly getting me caught holding the door open for selfish peckerwoods.

                Maybe it’s about time to start letting the door shut in some fucking faces.